Psychobabble Glossary

Learn the “real” meaning of the words and phrases
your mental health professionals use.

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A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z

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A

AAI (Appearance Arousal Index) – A ten-point subjective scale used by human males to rate the superficial physical appearance of a female. 50% of the overall rating is weighted toward facial attractiveness. “10” is the highest possible rating. A female assigned a score of “1” is sometimes referred to as a two-bagger. The widespread and frequent use of this slang phrase serves as correlational evidence that the ICP (Instinctive Compulsion to Propagate) in males exerts a stronger influence on their behavior than personal aesthetic preferences. Field studies show that human males will mate with physically unattractive females if they can disassociate themselves from the visual element of the experience. Females experience similar subjugation of aesthetic ideals. This explains why most females close their eyes while engaged in the act of sexual intercourse.

AI (Aggravated Ignorance) – Conversational statements and dialogues by people (predominantly human males) with a behavioral tendency to infuse a combination of inane and uninformed personal opinions into daily communications with other people who are engaged in an activity that requires their undivided attention. Individuals manifesting symptoms of AI generally make a nuisance of themselves in corporate workplaces and cause a greater loss of productive time than Microsoft Solitaire or Spider. (AI normally progresses to the MI stage.)

B       

BWLS (Bored With Life Syndrome) – Combined emotional feelings of depression, frustration, boredom and uselessness which manifest in married males and females after the initial sexual energy in their relationships wanes or disappears. This emotional condition is often complicated by the birth of children and can lead to clinical depression. The only effective treatment for this emotional affliction is divorce or adultery. Research shows that marriage counseling is ineffective in cases of BWLS.

C       

CLITICISM – The act of a female berating her male partner for his inability to bring her to a state of orgasm during an intimate physical encounter. Frequent cliticism generally leads to erectile dysfunction in males and infidelity in females.

D       

DELUSION – Anything you believe that a mental health professional personally disagrees with. Psychiatrists and psychologists operate under the premise that they are always right (about everything). When a patient/client disagrees with them on any point, that patient is labeled as delusional. When two mental health professionals disagree with each other, it is a case of double delusion, even though they may label that as philosophical debate.

DIVINE INTERVENTION (human female) – Onset of menstruation following unprotected sex with a loser who never called again.

DIVINE INTERVENTION (human male) – Divorce without payment of alimony or child support.

E       

ECLECTIC APPROACH – A random, odd and generally ineffective therapeutic procedure, method or testing process utilized by a mental health therapist who has forgotten everything he or she ever learned in college.

F       

FIELD RESEARCHER – Male or female psychology, psychiatry or social work student or intern more interested in the color of a baboon’s ass in springtime than the welfare of their fellow man.

H       

HCS (Heightened Craving Syndrome) – An intense craving for sexual activity present in post-menopausal women with subconscious emotional needs to prove they still “have it,” despite the fact that nature has retired their reproductive systems. The HCS phase normally begins near the end of menopause and lasts until the approximate age of 70-75 at which time memories of sex are less exhausting and messy to experience than the act itself.

HYPOCHONDRIAC – A person suffering from one or more illnesses for which modern medical science has yet to find a means of diagnosing or treating. Medical doctors (due to embarrassment at their own incompetence) generally refer hypochondriacs to psychologists or psychiatrists for treatment. This causes depressed emotional states in hypochondriacs upon realization they will never receive legitimate medical treatment for their illness. Extended periods of this depressed emotional state sometimes result in spontaneous combustion of the sufferer (another phenomenon medical doctors and mental health professionals decline to acknowledge or study).

I       

ICP (Instinctive Compulsion to Propagate) – The human male’s uncontrollable hormonally driven physical and emotional drive to mate with a human female (or any convenient substitute) to increase the distribution of his DNA in the human gene pool. This unstable condition occurs in men roughly between the onset of puberty and age 45. During this phase of life, the human male will say or do anything to motivate a female to engage in sexual intercourse, including manipulative use of phrases like “I love you,” “Lets get married,” or “No, I don't think you’re fat.”

INDUSTRIAL / ORGANIZATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST – A psychology pseudo-professional out of the mainstream who believes all of the world’s problems will someday be resolved through job analysis and standardized tests. In the delusional world of industrial psychology, all human beings fit into precisely defined categories of personality and behavior.

L       

LOBOTOMY – An arcane surgical procedure utilizing sharp, pointed instruments to poke a hole in a patient’s forehead in order to destroy brain tissue in the frontal lobe (and possibly exorcize demons). This procedure, originally thought to modify behavior and decrease impulsivity is now used to prepare candidates for service as U.S. Marine Corps and U.S. Army commissioned officers.

LUCK – A natural random occurrence of positive circumstances. Delusional people who experience positive circumstances often attribute them to god. Interestingly enough, those same people attribute negative circumstances to “bad luck.” These individuals decline to blame god for negative circumstances because they fear holy retribution. In reality, there is no such thing as “bad luck.” A negative circumstance is merely the absence of “luck.”

M       

MARRIAGE – A socially acceptable, government approved partnership of two people desiring to engage in frequent, uninhibited, guilt-free, passionate copulation or other mutually stimulating physical activity without the accompanying burden of competition, courtship, respect, consideration, or payment of prostitution fees. This arrangement is frequently complicated by the birth of children which forces the married couple to remain together (for the welfare of the children) long after they have lost interest in each other.

MI (Morbid Ignorance) – An advanced stage of AI wherein the condition is further complicated by complete loss of common sense and purpose. At this stage the sufferer can no longer integrate prior education, training or experience with present circumstances and becomes totally inept in occupational and family responsibilities. The living room couch becomes their best friend and they seek constant escape and oblivion by eating; drinking (alcoholic beverages, primarily beer); smoking; and obsessing over football, basketball, baseball or soccer on television.

MID-LIFE CRISIS (human male) – A psychological phase of the aging process originally theorized by Daniel J. Levinson, which provides a socially accepted rationalization (excuse) for married males between the ages of 40 and 55 to engage in adultery with women younger than their wives. The theory postulates that men are not responsible for their own behavior during this period due to the overwhelming mental distress generated by growing old. Many men experience heart attacks during this period, brought on by vigorous sexual activity with younger women or the side effects of excessive Viagra use.

MID-LIFE CRISIS (human female) – The period generally associated with menopause, normally in a female’s late forties, during which the female evolves beyond bitch to become a true incarnation of the devil. This condition is driven by hormonal changes and psychological crisis over the loss of ability to bear children. A woman who, during this period, murders her husband for engaging in adultery (rationalized by his own mid-life crisis) can use “menopause” as a mitigating circumstance in her court defense.

MOS (Missed Opportunity Syndrome) – An emotional feeling of emptiness and hopelessness often erroneously diagnosed as depression. MOS develops after a missed opportunity to have sexual intercourse with a healthy female of child-bearing age and disposition. This emotional condition normally occurs days or weeks after the break-up of a non-sexual relationship between a male and a female. Since the male ICP has been compromised, MOS is nature’s way of punishing a man for neglecting his genetic reproductive responsibility to propagate the species. There is no cure for MOS except marriage. After marriage, the MOS syndrome is eventually displaced by BWLS.

N       

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN – A debilitating mental condition triggered unexpectedly by excessive stress from marriage, trauma from the sudden loss of self-esteem, or realization that one is no longer in control of the situation. The conscious mind (ego), which has had enough, goes on extended vacation and the unconscious mind (id) shuts down all physical systems when it discovers it can’t function effectively without the ego. There are as many treatments for this condition as there are psychologists and psychiatrists in the world. Patients suffering from this mental derailment generally show increased susceptibility to future attacks of the same condition.

P       

PANIC ATTACK – Spontaneous, unreasonable over-reaction to a situation wherein the possible detrimental consequences of the situation appear to be less harmful than the potential hazards or trauma of the reaction:

mass panic attack – A wildly disorganized emotional and physical reaction by a crowd of people anticipating impending doom, such as the stampede to exit a public building when someone yells “bomb,” “fire,” or “There is no cause for alarm.” This phenomenon is also observed in groups of women stampeding into a building because “The sale will end in five minutes.” The most chaotic form of this psychological behavior is displayed by entire populations prior to significant natural catastrophes like erupting volcanoes, the election of a Democrat for president, a comet five minutes away from striking and demolishing the earth, or McDonalds running out of Big Macs.

personal panic attack – Emotional and physical over-reaction followed by shut down and sometimes somatic disposition of human beings who discover themselves in a negative interpersonal, social or environmental situation with dire consequences over which they have absolutely no control, such as a cheating wife caught in the act by her husband, a junior high school student caught smoking in the school bathroom by the principal, or the discovery that whitehouse.com does not take you to the White House where the president pretends to work. (Or you discover that it takes you to the site where the president and most of his staff do spend much of their time.) Exhaustive crying or hysterical laughter often accompany personal panic attacks.

professional panic attack – Loud and prolonged verbal and physical temper tantrum displayed by psychiatrists when a client/patient refuses to pay them for their alleged services.

PSYCHIATRY – The study and treatment of people who do not need to be studied or treated, by people who do.

PUBLIC PERSONALITY SEX COMPULSION (PPSC) – A behavior disorder afflicting public officials or celebrities that compels them to engage in illicit sex with prostitutes, whores, lobbyists or staffers with cigar fetishes. A PPSC episode is normally triggered when a public official or celebrity with genetic predisposition to narcissism consumes too much prime rib and champagne; causing an ICP override of the common sense and morality centers in their brain. When this occurs, they have approximately 3 or 4 hours to achieve orgasm or go completely insane. In advanced stages of the condition, sufferers (New York ex-governor Eliot Spitzer is a textbook example) lose all financial reason and will pay a prostitute thousands of dollars for her services when at best she is only worth double the federal minimum hourly wage.

R       

REINFORCEMENT – Action taken which causes a desired behavior to be repeated. There are two types of reinforcement:

negative reinforcement – Something tedious or undesirable taken away from a subject which causes the subject to repeat a desired behavior. A typical example of negative reinforcement is a psychology professor eliminating the requirement for homework so a student will continue to grant sexual favors.

positive reinforcement – Something given to a subject which causes the subject to repeat a desired behavior. A typical example of positive reinforcement is a female college student having sex with her college professor whenever he gives her an “A” on a paper or exam. Under most circumstances (provided the sex is good), the professor will continue to give that student high grades in anticipation of sexual favors. Psychology and psychiatry professors are highly susceptible to this type of manipulation because the sanctions for having sex with a student are not as serious or frequent as the professional sanctions in private practice for having sex with a client.

S       

SAPI (Sexual Activity Probability Index) – A ten-point subjective scale used by human males to estimate the probability that a human female will engage in sexual intercourse on a first or second date without insisting on a more permanent relationship, commitment, or payment of fees. Women with high SAPI scores achieve active social lives, higher overall rates of marriage, fewer bouts of loneliness and depression requiring therapy, and a higher rate of STD infections. Women sometimes mimic sexually provocative behaviors to trick men into awarding higher SAPI scores but this deception is normally discovered during the second or third date. The SAPI should not be confused with the AAI (Appearance Arousal Index). The AAI is a scale used to rate physical appearance, while the SAPI is a scale used to measure sexual behavior probability.

SELF ESTEEM – A false sense of self-worth implanted by mental health practitioners or elementary education teachers which fosters the delusion that a person is normal and happy in spite of being fat, stupid, ugly, uneducated, “special,” or otherwise out of accepted societal norms. This false sense of self-worth is normally abandoned when the believer applies for a job, purchases clothing, looks in the mirror, or suffers a painful heart attack brought on by excessive cholesterol in their coronary system.

SOCIAL WORKER – Male or female underachiever with neither the financial nor intellectual capacity to earn or obtain a Masters or higher post-graduate degree in psychology or psychiatry, who nonetheless wants to meddle in other peoples’ lives due to their own pathetic lack of one.

T       

TCS (Topic Confusion Syndrome) – A common mental disorientation that causes high school and college students to temporarily forget which class they are attending. The most common symptom of TCS is a student’s in-class question or statement to the instructor that has absolutely no relation to the topic being lectured or discussed at that moment. Current research tends to indicate TCS is caused by illicit drug abuse or stray sexual stimulation pheromones in the classroom.

TRANSFERENCE – In psychotherapy, the mechanical act of a duped client/patient, taking their hard-earned money and giving (transferring) it to the psychotherapist due to a delusional fantasy that the therapist is actually helping them resolve a problem. Psychotherapists would have the public believe the term has something to do with identifying the therapist with another person who has caused traumatic consequences in a patient’s personal life, but this is the basest form of deception. When psychiatrists speak to each other in private, transference is all about the redistribution of funds - from a client’s checking account to a bank account belonging to the therapist.

Terms, acronyms and definitions copyright ©2000-2007 by Doctor Leon unless otherwise stated. All rights reserved. Permission is hereby granted to use these terms and definitions in undergraduate and postgraduate research papers and journals provided the terms, acronyms and definitions are properly cited in the documents wherein they are used.