Delusions Unmasked (index)

Santa Claus

---

Do you remember the Christmas when

• You didn’t get any presents and your parents told you Santa passed you by because you were naughty?
• You didn’t get the presents you asked for and your parents explained that Santa brought gifts more appropriate for your developmental needs.
• You left milk and cookies for Santa and caught your dad consuming them?
• You saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and it destroyed your faith in marriage because you thought she was cheating on your dad?
• You sat on Santa’s lap and he smelled like a brewery?
• You saw four Santa Clauses in one place at the same time?
• You became a schizophrenic because your parents told you Santa was always watching to see if you were naughty or nice?
• Santa hugged a little too hard and squeezed you in a private place while you sat on his lap.

Sorry Virginia, you’ve been hoaxed by your parents.

Santa Claus (since his mythical inception) is a psychological escape mechanism invented to shield your parents and other relatives from emotional guilt when they are too poor to afford Christmas presents. Santa is also a good excuse for your parents to use when they don’t want to give you any presents because you are a rotten little shit who will never amount to anything and you don’t deserve three meals a day, let alone presents at Christmas.

The sad facts are:

• You didn’t get presents because your parents are Democrats and the toy store would not accept food stamps for payment.
• The crummy gifts you got were donated by charities or relatives who do not know or care anything about you personally but felt compelled to help your unfortunate parents in some humane way as a holiday season gesture.
• Your dad ate the milk and cookies to perpetuate the Santa Claus myth and besides, your mom does make pretty good cookies.
• The person in the Santa suit kissing your mom liked her cookies too, but it was really your Uncle Bill, or the milkman in disguise. You know mom would never be kissing dad after the birth of children. What would be the point?
• Santa smelled like alcohol and you saw so many of him because most department stores hire unemployed derelicts during the holiday season to keep those same derelicts from breaking into the stores, stealing Christmas merchandise, and thereby affecting the bottom line and disappointing the store’s stock holders at the next annual meeting.
• You would have been a schizophrenic anyway. It had nothing to do with Santa Claus. It had everything to do with your parents’ defective genes.
• You were touched in a private place because temporary Santa Clauses in department stores have to get their cookies off somehow. The hourly minimum wage they receive is certainly not worth their time.

Fight back! The next time some kook tries to run the Santa scam on you; ask them one or more of the following questions. They might give up on their attempted deception. That would be easier than coming up with logical answers to these:

• Is it legal to blow away the fat alcoholic in the red suit with your dad’s shotgun when you catch him breaking and entering your home?
• If hunting season is still on, are you allowed to shoot reindeer loitering on your roof? What is the season limit on reindeer?
• Are Santa’s elves covered by workers’ compensation? Do they receive minimum wage or does Santa compensate them with toys? If he compensates them with toys, are they paying federal income tax on the equivalent value of the toys?
• Since the fat man in the red suit terrorizes children all over the world with his “naughty or nice” threats, is he permitted to download and install 128-bit versions of Microsoft software?
• Does the NAACP endorse Santa Claus? (You know the answer to that one already - NO, because he isn’t black and prejudiced against white people), but ask anyway.
• Can you be jailed for accidentally poisoning your dad with the arsenic in the cookies when all you were trying to do was catch the fat man in the red suit breaking and entering?
• Where did all the elves come from and does Santa bowl with them during the off-season? Does he rent them out to circuses during the summer?
• Does Santa breed elves so he will have a steady supply of them in his workshops? If so, does he have a legal breeding license?
• Do the female elves do the same work as the male elves, or must they just be “nice” to Santa?
• Why doesn’t Santa sell the toys and use the proceeds to buy food for all the hungry, starving, dying children in the world?

Parents – in the name of human decency and your children’s future mental health, stop deceiving them. Just because your parents lied to you is insufficient reason to continue the emotional cruelty associated with the Santa Claus conspiracy. How did you feel when you found out your parents lied to you? Did you ever trust them again?

The Santa Claus deception is more addictive than you might realize. It leads to bigger, more emotionally damaging deceptions like the Easter Bunny lie, the Tooth Fairy fetish, and the most damaging of all, the god and heaven delusions. Is this what “Good Christian Values” are all about; lying to your children? You won’t hear Jewish or Muslim parents lying to their kids about Santa Claus?